Regrettably, Mr Von Beach has suffered from sudden fits of Shameless Exhibitionism ever since his earliest childhood. However, his latest attack is perhaps among the most prolonged and efflourescent since his infamous one-gentleman show at the Chelsea Home for Retired Bottlewashers in 1894.
Victoriana—The Art of Revival sprawls coquettishly through the bowels of London’s Guildhall Gallery and features the works of twenty-five eminent neo-Victorians—being Barnaby Barford, Su Blackwell, Ligia Bouton, Jake and Dinos Chapman, Piers Jamson, Tessa Farmer, Dan Hillier, Jane Hoodless, Stephen Kenny, Nick Knight, Kevin O’Neill, Grayson Perry, Miss Pokeno, Paula Rego, Rob Ryan, Paul St. George, Patrick St. Paul, Chantal Powell, Phil Sayers, Yinka Shonibare, Richard Slee, Yumiko Utsu, Kitty Valentine, Simon Venus, Tom Werber, Mathew Weir & Carole Windham—and one reanimated Victorian—being your host, Mr Von Beach.
Mr Von Beach is here below delighted to present a number of extracts from his Alphabet, commissioned expressly for the exhibition by Sonia Solicari, Principal Curator and Head of the Gallery.
“At Roche-sur-Yon, Garin suggests the following arrangement : ‘I want to win alone and neither you nor anyone else must beat me. I’ll help you on the road in return.’ I still hadn’t won a stage and felt in fantastic form, so I rejected his offer outright. So Garin says to Pothier : ‘Go ahead and knock him off !’ No sooner said than done. Pothier advances a few metres, dismounts and throws his bike at mine. I fall off, Garin takes my bike, stamps on it and destroys the rear wheel. I was completely beaten.”
—Fernand Augereau, fourth
Being number five in a series of six prints to celebrate the 100th Tour de France.
“The third stage : unquestionably the hardest. A start in darkness beneath the moon’s sad gaze, a terrible mistral, atrocious roads, then a blazing sun, the desert once more and across the Cévennes under a white hot sky.”
Six prints to celebrate the 100th Tour.
Iillustrating the second stage of the 1903 Tour de france—Lyon to Marseille—won by Hippolyte Aucouturier with all the panache one can muster after fourteen and a half hours in the saddle. Second in a series of six prints to celebrate the Tour’s 100th birthday.
Regrettably I was already entombed in my icy berth when those sixty savages of the road set forth on the first Tour de France in 1903. However, I did have the dubious pleasure of meeting the eventual winner, Maurice Garin, at the inaugural Paris-Roubaix in 1896.
To commemorate the 100th edition of the Tour—and to recover the five guineas Garin charged me for his autograph—I am delighted to offer a set of six prints illustrating each of the six stages from that first race. Availability is limited so you are encouraged to place your order without delay.
Presenting an extract from Mr Von Beach’s forthcoming tome, “Who Moved My Stilton ?” :
For the benefit of those readers in search of exclusive and hitherto unremarked items, Mr Von Beach hereby—and most humbly—adumbrates the particulars of his next book, including a first glimpse of the dust jacket :
Who Moved My Stilton? promises to be an informative and diverting guide to the world of commerce, conceived expressly for the purpose of enriching all those who read it (any enrichment of the authors being entirely incidental).
Assuming no untoward events or legal impediments, Who Moved My Stilton? will be published by Bloomsbury of London in November of this year. Those of a more restive nature may wish to place an advance order with their local bookmonger today.
Our esteemed representatives hereby notify the Internetwork and all its inhabitants that Mr Von Beach’s most recent comic confection, Gin & Juice : The Victorian Guide to Parenting, lustily conceived with the full participation and consent of Mr Alan Tyers, is now available from all good bookmongers, and a few indifferent ones.
An attendant website, with previews and extracts from the work is also unveiled—Gin & Juice—with official opening ceremony to follow.
Mister Von Beach proudly unveils the dust jacket for his forthcoming work, Gin & Juice : The Victorian Guide to Parenting, written in collaboration with the noted wordsmith Mr Alan Tyers, publication by Bloomsbury of London imminent.
Mr Von Beach and his associates assume no responsibility for any mishaps or mischance that may arise from improper application of the advice expounded within.
Purchase the first edition forthwith